Cleaning Out My Closet

I can no longer wear this sweatshirt I bought in London in '05 - it's too small - but I loved the print so much, I will post it here.

My friend was hanging out a few weeks ago, and she saw my giant bag full of clothes to donate and asked if she could look through it. Sure, I said.

But as she started digging through the bag, a thought formed in my mind, foggy at first but then startlingly clear. I realized - there was a dress that she had given me in that donation bag.

Oh no! Social faux pas. The white trash bag wasn't quite opaque, and I could see the dress lurking in the middle of the pile, my friend inching closer and closer as she pulled out each layer of clothing. But what could I say? There was no going back now.

Novelty Keychain

At work, we have to carry our keys around in order to get into the bathrooms in the hall and back into the office. Last Friday afternoon, I was sitting at my desk when I heard our secretary say over the loudspeaker:

"Attention, staff. Lost keys have been found in the kitchen."

I immediately realized that the keys were mine. But the loudspeaker announcement kept going.

"The keys have a keychain that reads - If you don't..."

Time stopped. "Oh, no," I thought. "She wouldn't."

But she did! The secretary proceeded to read the rest of my novelty keychain OVER THE LOUDSPEAKER TO THE ENTIRE OFFICE.

I ran to the front desk to try to make her stop, but it was too late. Why do I even keep that thing on there?