Novelty Keychain

At work, we have to carry our keys around in order to get into the bathrooms in the hall and back into the office. Last Friday afternoon, I was sitting at my desk when I heard our secretary say over the loudspeaker:

"Attention, staff. Lost keys have been found in the kitchen."

I immediately realized that the keys were mine. But the loudspeaker announcement kept going.

"The keys have a keychain that reads - If you don't..."

Time stopped. "Oh, no," I thought. "She wouldn't."

But she did! The secretary proceeded to read the rest of my novelty keychain OVER THE LOUDSPEAKER TO THE ENTIRE OFFICE.

I ran to the front desk to try to make her stop, but it was too late. Why do I even keep that thing on there?